It was February this year when we met and by that time we only shared a few chats. March when we finally met in person and it was a brief meeting, just hi and hello and nothing else. After that we shared a couple of chats but those were just casual chats. Then it was May when you found out i was going through this heart break and you were there to cheer me up and boost my morale. We met and talked about my stupidity over a cup of coffee and frappe. You never knew how much it mean to me, having somebody to listen to my heart aches and other stuff I'm getting anxious of that time.
Since then, we became really closer and we communicated more than ever -- chat, text messages, just to name a few. May 24, 2010 when a news came to me. The news that I have been waiting for almost three weeks. I was in shock and then I sent you a text message. You were out of town then but then you managed to call me and pacify me a bit. The following day we met and had dinner to talk things over. Again, you were there for me and it was such a big help.
May 27, 2010 when I slept over at your house because I need to be here in the office by 4 am for our company outing. You know what happened that night. We talked and talked about anything under the sun when you reached out and held me closer to you. There was no malice -- It was pure friendship and that time, I felt it, that you really care for me. Even i know you were too sleepy and you have work that day you never slept on me. "Wag mo akong tutulugan ha?"
We became more closer and closer after that day. We chat and text everyday. Literally everyday. And just then I knew -- I found my best buddy in you. And you know all about it. I am vocal in saying that you are more than one person rolled into one. That when if there will be a time that i will lose you i will not lose just one person. I will lose a brother, a friend, a best friend, even a "boyfriend" and that's something heavy -- I could not imagine what will I do if that happens.
A lot has happened already. We shared a lot of stuff together, the talks, the bonding, the movies, the hang out somewhere, the unlimited thingies, ohh damn how could i ever forget that? We've been to places and we were happy. June is the best ever month for us.
July came and we were getting even closer. Not as adventurous as June has been but even so, we were still happy. It was a challenge because something unexpected happened. And I know you're finding it hard to cope with it but you're still managing to brush some of those thoughts away. You have been as brave and strong as before. Still a jolly person, like as if there's no problem at all. And still, we're happy as best buddies should be. We even had a couple of silly text messages that lasts for hours straight. And those times were one of the best times of my life.
I came to a point thinking that I'm falling for you. I But I can't. It can't be. It will just ruin the friendship and I can't risk that. Not ever. So I just loved you as a friend -- a pure love that I can never explain. All I know is that I love you, but I cannot love you romantically because it will just make things complicated and I don't want to complicate things between us because what we already have - I'm good with it and contented.
August has became a nightmare to me -- or so maybe I'm just over reacting to it. We exchanged talks and chats about it, and sure you're giving me assurance that nothing will change and that you'll never leave just like the others who did. How can I ever explain some things that are sometimes better left unsaid? But I can't keep a secret from you. You almost know everything about me. Even the little-lest of things I shared it with you.
When the only constant thing in this world is change, would you ever let change happen between us? When even the closest people to us leave, would you leave me as well? When there will come a time that you will no longer do the things that you used to do for me, will you still ever remember that sometime, you done those things for me?
I've been struggling so hard to face what I'm afraid of, the days became darker and darker for me, for I have this feeling that the changes that are happening now happens for a reason. It sucks because we always say that everything happens for a reason, that we need to look at the positive side of it. When I, being a person full of insecurities and anxiety, how can I ever think of it positively?
There are so much more to say and I can't say it here. We've been really close and even if I don't mention it here you know that those are just some of my concerns. I'm getting effed up thinking and thinking and I guess that's why I'm getting really sick in the head because you're right, "ang dami kong iniisip" and for sure you'll get pissed off repeating the things you told me before to comfort me. I believed you though. I always believed in you. I know and I can feel it that you have been honest with me all along. And I am certain that the problem is with me because I worry too much. I worry too much for the things that are not yet happening. Add also the fact that I kept on thinking that it will happen even sooner or later.
I said a lot of things already but these are not yet EVERYTHING I want to say. I might as well say it straight to your face or during those times na "nanlalambing" ako sayo.
I just wish for this: Please don't change as early as now, please don't change towards me... Wag mo pa rin akong tutulugan ha? I feel so down right now and I just want to hug you so tight right now.
I love you my best buddy, my one and only bro, my knight in shining armor, my side kick... Basta, wag mo akong tutulugan ha, not right now, please. And also, thank you. Thank you more than words can ever explain.
What say you?
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